Today is a scan day.
And I surprisingly don’t feel all that anxious. Typically, my body will start to feel sick, weak and in pain just days before the scans: a physical response to the anxiety I’m subconsciously feeling. It always takes me a while to figure out what is wrong with me, and then I happen to look at the calendar, and BAM! before I even remembered my body knew scans were upcoming. Isn’t the body freakishly amazing like that?
Thank God that I haven’t been feeling anxiously and that instead I am happy, content, at peace. I have been reflecting on the past couple days actually how happy I have been. What a crazy difference! Instead of anxiety, peace. Instead of worry, joy. He is so true to his promises as we hand over our worries, He exchanges it for peace and joy. Why don’t I give them over more often when I know in my heart, knowledge and experience for this promise to be true? I am so fickle and forgetful.
I’ve been so grateful for the energy I’ve been having. So different state of body and mind compared to this past weekend, where just days ago I was at the ER and had an overnight hospital stay for fevers and low blood counts, low life energy. I feel like I am finally starting to understand when my body needs rest (not always, because that is how I ended up in the ER probably) but I am understanding more and listening more and agreeing more instead of disagreeing and going defiantly against my own self, my own flesh and blood. And sometimes you just have to know when it’s appropriate to “push it.” Without this pushing, this dragging of my body at times, I would miss out so much of life, of events, of moments great and small like celebrating a friend’s engagement to going out to eat dinner with my husband. Sometimes need that push, that boost, that pep talk to take those small steps towards life instead of laying in the midst of despair and sadness on our mattresses.
I ask the Spirit often for that push, that boost, that pep talk. I often also ask Josh, and to help me as a check and balance system of whether I should get out and go or stay in and rest. Because I want to be there for the big things and the small things. I want to be healthy enough to walk my fur baby Wylie and attend birthday dinners and weddings. And I don’t want to just be a presence there, foggy consciousness from chemo brain but I want to engage and have a light through the fog. Sometimes that light is dimmer than other times and sometimes its so bright that I forget that I am sick, that I have cancer.
So, today I’m living before scans. I’m running errands and playing with Wylie. I’m enjoying the bright sunny cold of February. I’m reading from my devotional hymns and prayer journaling gratitude and requests. These scans might be a “pause” from life, but no matter their results, they aren’t going to keep me from living, no matter the tumor sizes and shapes that emerge from the imaging.
Please pray with me, my family and friends today for good scan news! This has been a rough chemotherapy on my body; I’ve received already several blood transfusions because of how much so. Please pray that it’s all been worth it! Thank you for your prayers, always!