Last night, pain became my alarm clock again. I had been freed of pain’s interruptions for a little over a week, being treatment-free for 11 days. I also was no longer waking up around 4:30a/5:00a with Josh as he prepared for the police academy. I hadn’t even thought about that when he graduated that I too would now be getting more sleep, a bonus blessing! During my 11 day break, I was sleeping better, eating more and having an appetite once again, having more energy to go and do the things I love on my own, with no one needing to drive me. I’ve felt almost normal again, and then the pain comes again, a signal throughout my body that it needs more treatment again, and its cue is right on time.
It amazes me how much my body does communicate to me, be it through pain or feelings. Over the past year, I’ve tried to look at my cancer care even more holistically. Diet has always interested me, but for the most part when I read “what to eat for when you have cancer or to prevent cancer” books and pamphlets, I find that I’m already eating the things they recommend. (So what does that say about me? haha) This past year, I added acupuncture and meditation to quiet the pain and my mind. As needles have been placed on me, I’ve felt currents between the needles, mapping out constellations and images of good health for me. I listen to a meditation before I sleep, hoping I will focus on my breath instead of the pain I’m feeling or shift my focus from the anxiety of what I feel like I must do tomorrow. Through adding both acupuncture and meditation, I sense I can “read” my body more and therefore know what it needs. I’ve always had a sense or feeling come over me when I’m about to hear of bad news from scans. I can tell the difference between fatigue from treatment working from the fatigue that growing cancer cells cast on to me. And there are times when I can’t read the Morse code of pain-strikes within my chest. Is this pain from cancer birth and growth or from cancer cells dying within me? (Isn’t it interesting how both birth and death bring their own types of pain?)
So, tomorrow I go back for chemotherapy. Today, I’ve been preparing my body with my pre-medications. And, when I think about it, I’ve been preparing my mind/soul also. I’ve been doing things around the house now so that later in the week I won’t look around and be overwhelmed. I already made some soup ahead of time so I have a go-to meal to eat, because cooking on treatment is just overwhelming. I’ve been talking to God more and reading more and listening to Bible teachings while my mind is clear like a summer night sky, able to think, reflect and meditate on the Word with much more ease. I constantly need to guard my heart with gratitude fences that surround and keep me at peace within my heart and mind.
I don’t want to admit it, but taking chemotherapy and steroids and medications that all come with it just transform me into a different person. I try really hard not to let that Jenna-version exist and to jump-start the return of me with little joys that I know I love: walking and petting my dog Wylie, going to coffee shops, rummaging books, prayer-journaling. But sometimes it is really hard to bring me back. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever come back or am I cursed under chemo’s spell. The spell’s curses include feelings of defeat, physical tiredness, insomnia, lack of appetite, lack of joy. It’s hard to be the damsel in distress and also feel like I have to be my own knight in shining armor to defeat the disease and the negatives of the chemo-not-yet-cure.
So please pray for me. Pray for strength, patience, and joy. Pray for gratitude and promptings to express that to my parents, husband and friends who always are quick to help me.