it’s been a while.
I’ve been living, traveling, receiving chemo, reading, getting scans, praying, waiting for scan results, waiting for doctor calls, visiting patients, laughing, resting, praying, crying, resting, fighting, living.
I’ve been writing in my mind, recording the thoughts.
It’s time to take out the files now, both mental and medical.
From my last blog post-prayer of 4.25.2017 —
Help me to enjoy those moments and be there for more of those moments, Father.
Help me to push myself when appropriate to be around those moments, those people, the love that you have given me.
Help me to grateful and see life as living for You, and not a productivity check-list to mark and cross off.
Help me to rest, to rest in You.
And looking back now on these past couple of months, He as definitely helped me to be there in joy, enjoying the small moments of life with others.
Traveling to Tennessee twice now—once in May and once again in June—have been my retreats of joy. In May, sharing a beautiful lake front house with people in my homegroup, living in community in all hours of the night for a week straight, was pure joy. I crashed hard during my naps and at night, the joy resting deeply in my bones. The Lord amazed me with his goodness of sustaining me to have energy to enjoy my friends, the people, to go on a last minute concert hours away, to stay up late into the night, to kayak, to karaoke singing/screaming in our living room at one in the morning…the gift of energy to live, to enjoy life, was a blessing to be grateful for, one that I know I don’t always see as a gift of grace and need to train my eyes to see it more and more.
Return back to chemo life and scans. Check up on scans from last time that had a small seedling sprout of a potential cancer nodule within my lungs and see if it’s grown. Unfortunately, the nodule did as well as germinating a new one, showing us that the chemo-pesticide is no longer working as well as it once was.
Six months of good treatment and here we are again, back trying to decide and calculate new treatment plans and options. The current thought and plan is to do a thoracoscopic surgery, taking a small camera within my chest to help the surgeon remove the nodules and assess what they really are, if they are indeed cancerous. From there, I’ll do some more treatment, which my doctors, family and I are waiting to figure out more there post surgery.
In the meantime, I am chemo-free, which is great in some ways for sure. But there are times when I feel the thunder and lightening pain in my chest, and I am wondering what cancer-storm is going on in there. Lightening-pain strikes, and sometimes the lights go out and the darkness comes, the dark thoughts of worry, concern, anxiety of what happens next. At times I want to quickly grab the candles of hope and light them to help me see what is really true, what the Lord says is true about me and my life. And other times I just want to sit in the darkness and just lay there and sleep or agonize over what might come next.
Please pray for upcoming surgery consultation for this week and for wisdom regarding next steps.
Help me Lord to remember that you are faithful, in the darkness when I can’t really see but can only reach out in hope to touch and feel the security of who You are.