electric/streams

psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
    he refreshes my soul

psalm 42

As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God

john 7

37 Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. 38 Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.” 39 By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive

I’ve been thinking about these water-life giving verses much this past week, the wells churning, reflecting near streams and in the stream of life.

I’ve been desiring these streams to settle and cool whatever pains I’ve been having. Pain like an electric shock behind my right knee, my left thigh. There are electric outlets on my body and someone is plugging and unplugging them, sparking and shocking me. It’s a shock so viseral that I am leaping from the shock, cringing and I have no control over it.

The pain is shocking. Shocking me and jolting my mind, my memories, my anxieties. Nervous system racing with electric thoughts and concerns because pain is always the signal for a relapse.

And last relapse I swear I barely felt any pain signally, and yet there the cancer was growing without an alarm. I think that is what freaks me out more these days: the unknowing pain somewhere, and when pain comes, how much do you bring caution and concern upon yourself, to others? Where is that balance of rightful fear and overreactive panic? I’m still unsure even with calling and seeing my doctors this past week, an unstable answer of it could be nerve pain and damage from chemotherapy Vincristine.

Pain jolts the memories, revive Frankenstein fears. Fears that follow anxiety’s paths of concern, worry, and steeper paths of panic. How could such a small pain shock the senses and the mind at once? Mind racing to what if it is something more? to how much now will my life change again? to how will this potential relapse affect those around me again?

Pain jolting me back to showing me a greater pain: how much I have put stock in my life around me once again, deriving my contentedness from circumstance. Didn’t I learn against this so much this past year? These past 11 years? And how my heart slowly goes back to finding a “peace” in the world and circumstances around me instead of looking forward in assured hope of what is to come. Ugh, will I ever learn?

Josh brings me back to those calm, life-giving waters once again as I’m crying my fears, looking for something in Philippians 4, he says. And my assuming heart thinks he’s going to take me back to the verse-streams I know I should go to about giving my anxieties to Him with prayer and petition, and He will give me surpassing peace (Philippians 4:6-9) but he guides me down the stream a little farther:

philippians 4

12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

I don’t come to this part of the stream very often, and my assuming heart is shocked that we are here and not resting near earlier verse-streams. Josh showing me how they do indeed connect: I need to give my anxieties over in order to learn this contentment so that I can be so in both remission and relapse, whether living in plenty or in want. It is possible, and yet it seems impossible at the same time in my mind. Traveling down alongside this stream is a lot harder; survivorship life is at time harder than the chemo life.

And yet, I know this is the part of the stream’s bend He wants me to be still and rest at for quite some time and be willing to drink from the provision. I know this clear and true as Josh reads the verses aloud to me and there’s that plant of peace that is arriving like the small shoot of spring, reflecting the spring season around me. Knees becoming heavy with gravity to bend and sit and come closer to the streams, submit to streams. I know in my heart these are the streams I’ve been looking for.

psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
    he refreshes my soul

psalm 42

As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God

Help me to reflect and understand in these streams of contentedness. I know I’m still learning and will for quite some time. Help reflect my own face within them as I sit and rest and ponder. Help me to not get up from them so quickly as  I know my anxious feet and legs always want to.

 

 

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