strength, firm, steadfast

I’ll be honest with you.

Since being done with treatment for now 2 weeks, my body is still very tired, and that makes me anxious (my over-productive self wanting to do more, more) and in turn, my anxiety makes me even more tired. (What a roller coaster wheel I am on! When will this ride stop?)

You see, I already want to be “back” to my “normal self,” and I’m just not there yet. When will that be? And will that ever be?

Anxiety-tiredness radiates from every ligament on my body, appearing down my arms like goosebumps. I can feel it, mentally, physically.

And you know how its funny when that verse-image comes to mind, and you can even picture it in your Bible, the creases there, the underlinings; in fact, you can even paraphrase the verse to yourself. That happened to me just now, and His whisper-Spirit so quietly told me to look up the verse and not just paraphase it to myself. Even though I want to deny the small, meager naggings (oh, because it is so small, you could surely ignore it, even deny that it was even uttered) I submit and open and breath in sweet lavendar leather of my Bible:

1 peter 5

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Oh, how I long to and want to! And yet I feel like I don’t even know how to. And oh still, dear heart, He will even help us cast and submit even when we don’t know how to but deeply somewhere in our soul their is a cry to.

It’s one of those moments that the whisper-Spirit asked me to seek from his Word the actual verse because as I read more, my brain has simply forgotten what has surrounded this simple sentence, and it shocks me: it is more than I need, what I needed:

1 peter 5

10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong,firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

I could cry in this Panera I’m sitting in. Oh, how he gives us more grace right when we need it! (Hebrews 4:16) Could I verse so clearly shine and reflect in it’s mirror an exact image of me, of my situation, of my timing?

Oh yes, I have suffered for a little while. (check)
He himself—the God of all grace—will restore me? (when can I check this box?)

Oh God, how I long to be restored and yet I don’t even feel it. Where is it? When is it coming? You say that you yourself will come and restore. Where are you?

I don’t feel at all strong, firm or steadfast. In fact,
I feel completely weak, I am drifitng, the waves of anxiety are sending me further and further away from the steady land, the shore.

Oh, how I know that I am trying to make myself on my own strong, firm and steadfast. I am kicking wildly out here in this anxiety-ocean (I never was the strongest of swimmers) and I am tiring myself out with each breath and kick.

GOD OF ALL GRACE
grace, hesed, charis, gift.
A gift by nature is something received, comes from outside of yourself 
You are the giver of this restoration, of this healing, of strength, firmness, steadfastness.
You promise that you yourself will come and restore me.
Help me to remember, to wait in patient-hope-expectation, and to receive when you are giving it (even when it may not look like the wrapping paper I was thinking it would come in)
Help me to see when you are there personally restoring me.

Thank you that this moment is only a start to the list of resume-faithfulness to your restoration.

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