day 66.

It’s Monday, and I’m officially back from the beach. Even though I left the beach with new insights, deeper relating time with friends and God, it still seemed to not prep for me as much as for today than I would have hoped.

I left the beach, with eyes now sea-ing things, having different vision, or more so comfort and confirmation of yes, this is where He wants me to be and yes, I need to faithfully and patiently follow Him even when I cannot see beyond the sea’s horizon, beyond my current life’s path. There is a confidence and hope established knowing that His vision is beyond the sea, the Ultimate Shipsteerer of my soul.

Coming back to chemo after beach-vacation life was more tough that I expected or could have anticipated. Eyes straining beyond given sea-sight, sea-vision.

A friend informs me that one my favorite professors has passed, from cancer no less. (Take this in as you yourself are sitting there, receiving chemotherapy, for cancer of course.)

And talking to my wonderful, diplomatic and wise doctor about potential life turns and paths after these 90 days of treatment also reminds me harsher realities. This cancer I am in here now could indeed come back. These drugs and treatments are science, yes, but not an exact science. And let’s add another course, from not only just this biology of my body but to now add statistics of my cancer type, my relapses…I never did like stats that much in college, let’s just leave it at that.

These are the harsher relaties today that chemo and circumstance bring to me. An express delievery of emotions, of worries, of overall blah that usually arrives much later in the week at my mind’s doorstep. Express delievery indeed.

And yet, also unexpected delieveries from the Postman Himself that I could not indeed forsee or expect too for today. Oh, He is personal. Oh, He is wise and cares.

Jasmine, my sister-survivor whom I haven’t seen in a month or so, shows up in the room across the hall from me! And she looks wonderful and she is wonderful with now being declared officially cancer-free, eee! You are an example of living-human-hope, dear sister.

Later, after treatments, an unexpected delievery in a teaching (oh yes, sword piercing soul, always) comes to me tonight. Reminders, reminders of the truths of suffering, of hope, of fixating our eyes on Christ during this time.

hebrews 12

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness.11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

12 Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

I want that joy.
I want that righteousness.
I want that peace.

Thank you, thank you for gospel reminders.
Thank you, thank you for the beyond-the-sea work you are doing.
Thank you, that you for that hope.

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