day 53.

Fog, fog as Mom and I set out for our expedition to Nationwide Children’s Hospital this morning. Enough fog to call for a two hour delay for the school district we live in. Fog that shifts and is uncertain, causing caution with every intersection you approach, every intersection that you know should be there but that you haven’t seen quite yet.

Fog. You could say that its the same for my brain this morning as well. The only remedy that I know of is Great Light, great insight from Him himself.

I’ve been singing and humming this song mentally to myself for the past several days:

O to everyone in need! Won’t you listen so that you may live?
For I will make a covenant, and a nation that you do not know will to you
Seek the Lord while He may be found
Call on His name, for He is near, so near

For My thoughts are not your thoughts
No, My ways are not your ways
For as high as the heavens are above the earth
So are all My ways higher than your ways

lyrics based off Isaiah 55 by Ryan Hall & Stefan Sanderson

Comforting and illuminating my mind and soul.

Seek the Lord while He may be found.
Call on His name, for He is near, so near

How quickly and easily that I can forget these truths! That I can call on Him in any instant, that He is near, even admist the haziness of fog and uncertainities of life, especially at the intersections of my life that I am now finding myself at, unknowingly seeing them and stumbling on them, minicking this morning’s car ride.

Mom and I arrive today, and its a normal chemotherapy day today. The sun shines in through our window on and off throughout the day, eliminating the fog of the early morning. And later in the day, many employees come in to see me (a party, as they call it!) from the massage therapist, to the social work intern, to the recreation therapist, to my own dear friend and roommate Shelly. These conversations and relating moments are what make the day, the chemo drip faster from the hanging bags on my IV pole into my bloodstream.

Later in the afternoon, after mom and I return back to my parents house, I cook dinner for them. (Still, how weird to see the roles reversing/being shared more and more these days as I get older, and the sense of accomplishment and love that I receive from doing activities for them.) I am eager to share my more developed cooking abilities: salmon and fried sweet potatoes, trying to coax mom with cooking that salmon can be indeed flavorful (I won that tonight!)

And now, I am waiting for Cara to come over, once again our roles reversing backwards in time. How often I would wait for her in high school to come over to my parents house, and we would be content with a Walmart run to get sorbet, or go to the library, or even just sit on my bed and read silently to ourselves for pleasure or study. Oh yes, we are going back in time this evening, to re-enjoy simpler times before cancer relapses at 18, at 23, back to our high school days where the only worries we had were studying for AP classes, having enough energy for theatre crew behind the stage, and to attend Trump and hang with friends on the weekend. Let’s step backwards into those moments of time to rest and reflect and just being present to enjoy each others company, no matter whatever it was that we were doing.

That is true friendship.

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