days 48&49: dear Catherine,

day 48. 

There are days where I just wake up irritated for no known reason. Today was one of those days that I just want to fight everything, fight everyone, not listen, not listen to God even himself or my thoughts to understand.

What is wrong with me?

This is not who I am.
This is not who I am.

day 49. 

The irritation today is less. Trying to assess what happened yesterday, even though I was pleading with Him silently on the carride to Children’s Hospital.

Help me to see others how you see them.
Help to continue to have a mission-heart for those around me.
Help me to see outside of myself and be the giver of the recepient-grace You’ve given me.

I still want to shake off irritation, want to take a shower to somehow scrub it off of me with lemongrass soap, but that is seemingly impossible. This is a battle with myself, my thoughts and the drugs I’m taking.

God is funny in His timing though.

I’ve been wanting to see Jasmine still and haven’t heard much from her. Pleading, help me please get connected back with her and having others pray the same, then hello her doctor appears in my room! Answered prayer, answered prayer to hear anything about this girl. And he informs me there are more to meet.

More. More patients! 

God in His grace has been preparing me the past week for this moment, this week it seems. His ultimate preparation has been to help me see chemo-week as His mission-field for me, His short-term mission trips He keeps sending me on every 2 weeks.

Here is the moment: do I follow His orders, His call?

Here is what my heart longs for: to help other cancer-patient survivors. (Trust me, I can turn you to the pages of my prayer journals at 13, 18 and now 23) And here He is giving me opportunity after opportunity to meet and give of Himself what He has given me. Answered prayer 10 years in the making, and obviously not in the way I thought it might one day look like at 13.

Here I am though, 10 years later, in the same hospital but not (my how it has transformed!), in the same hospital beds but not, with the same chemotherapy treatments but not. God is calling; am I willing to answer?

He sees my willing heart and gives me encouragement, strength that I need in that moment as I sit on the side of the bed:

colossians 1

28 He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ. 29 To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me.

“With all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me.”

Oh yes, this is what I need to hear today as He flips me to Word, deeply personal and heart-seeking and searching for answers. He knows where I am where I am weak (and always have been, really, truly) dependent on Him to do his work.

Christ, provide the energy today please.

Walking down the hallway, knocking on and opening her door was the very thing I truly believe that brought me peace and scrubbed off the irritation-feeling with every word of conversation spoken today between us.

Funny, God knows what we ultimately need.

He knew I needed you today in my life to teach me the importance of giving out His love not only benefits you, the recipient, but me, the giver as well. That is wholeness. That is joy.

Dear Catherine, thank you for that gift and reminder today.

Talking to you and your parents, I see the simplistic joy of the country-lifestyle I longed to have as a kid. I can even smell the sweet field-grass coming from your room amongst the drugs and sterile hosptial around us. (Can you smell it, see it too?)

Your pure, pure young face today reminds me so much of the joy and love He ultimately has for us. I know you know this too.

Hope and hold onto that. I’ll be there next to you hoping and holding too.

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