radiation day 3.

I’m realizing my body and brain are deciding things without me more and more. As my parents and I are manuvering in the parking garage, I feel my body becoming tired and yet every cell also rocking back and forth with anxious energy. My brain also I feel is dizzing and clouding over, anxiety-carbon-monoxide gas that is silent and secretly spreads from head to toe.

Why is my own body and brain doing these things against me? Am I subconciously hiding thoughts/feelings from myself?

After the walking to the building, riding the elevator, checking in, listening for name to be called, laying down on the machine, resting legs in the molded form, meditating on the buzzing, the hoping off of the machine, walking back to the car, coming back home, my brain is still tired, still shaking. Breathe. Relax. Anxiety is lowering like a temperature, but I desire my normal homeostasis please. Can I return back to that? I try the only way I know how because it’s impossible to on my own. Picking up my compact lavender leather (smell and rest in its calming sweetness) Bible, I’m still partially doubting in its ability to bring me peace, peace.

Dear God, show me.

And although my brain is forgetful and neurons are slower in this marathon race, Philippians 4 arrives in the asterisk of my thoughts. How often I turn to this passage! And as I’m flipping to the passage, I’m recalling bits of it: “rejoice…do not be anxious…pray…think of these things…” I can see the verses in my mind from a distance, as if I am on the top of the dam near my parents house, straining, looking distantly to see clearly. 

philippians 4.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I’m clinging on. And I swear I feel like I’m reading verse 7 for the first time even though I’ve read this overoverover again.

Peace for your heart. Peace for your mind. Peace that transcends all understanding. 

How my mind needs this! Such a comfort! Mind that is weak with its synapses. Holy Spirit connect them together in ways my physical brain cannot always please. (Oh so this is what it means to rest in His promises!)

And I’m seeing more things, new things in these verses that are so often quoted for the first time in my life:
Here is what I’m to do.
Here is what God will do.
Here is what I’m to do.
Here is what God will do.

How did I miss this relationship before?!

my role. God’s role.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. 5b The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. 9b And the God of peace will be with you.

Oh! How this validates, praises, exhorts, reminds, recalls to us that GOD IS NEAR, He is close to you, in fact He is inside of you guarding and protecting your heart and mind.

So affirming! And not that the Lord does these things because of what I do, but because of who He is. He’s promised me even before this call to be there.

Jesus our Lord pronounced to us: “And lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.” (matthew 28:20b)

He is there, waiting to give. He is just waiting for me to ask. 

So really, He has moved first toward me beforehand all along in order to completely and amply supply me with this peace, peace. He’s just waiting for my next chess move. How silly am I?!/What relief!

MY MIND.

Although my mind is forgetful and panicking and frustrating itself, there is the God of the universe protecting what He created dearly to him with his peace, peace. And in turn He asks that I open myself up to this peace by thinking, even when it is hard especially when all you want is to not think or to dwell on circumstances or just sit and be.

THINK OF SUCH THINGS:
whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable
—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy

Re-directing mind from minding side-to-side and now instead of up, upwards to Him.

The first and foremost thought He commends me to think, meditate, count, reckon, logizomai on is “whatever is true,” the truth, THE GOSPEL.

How quickly I forget this, always, on how often I need to remember it as well, even when it seems so distant, distant from me in time and memory and space.

 

Every generation of Christians must be re-taught afresh the basic truths of our faith. The church is always one generation away from the total ignorance of the gospel, and we today are making rapid progress toward that ruinous goal. Rather than carelessly assume the gospel, we must agressively, deliberately, fully and passionately teach and preach the gospel. All the treasures of wisdom and knowledge are hidden in Christ. If we do not intentionally search them out, we will miss them.

Raymond C. Ortlund

I want those treasures of wisdom, that knowledge. Help me seek, help me search.

All that I want (healing, restored mindfulness/awareness, strength, peace) is here. Why do I go seek and search for it elsewhere? Help my mind to engage with the scriptures and meditations of your heart. Thank you that you bring me to places and spaces to remind me of the necessity.

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