day 40 & post-

40.

For 40 years the Israelites wandered with their God, their Yahweh in the desert.
For 40 days Noah waited to rain to cease.
For 40 days Jesus, the Lone Son, was sent by himself and tested in the wilderness.

Here is my offering of 40 days of treatment.

And yet, they keep going.

There are more days of this.

This being chemo, yes, but also of
His Faithfulness
Peace
Understanding
Relationship…
Relationship.

How quickly and easily I dismiss that, the Relationship, and how I long to want to fold and string the 40 days to be some sort of nursery rhyme Bible story and be done with it all, cease at 40.

Silly me.
There was never just 40 with them either.
Yahweh was still with the Israelites in his loving-kindness, hesed after the 40 years.
God was with Noah still after oak panels of the ark were dry.
Jesus would continue to fight against his adversary with his Father’s Words longstanding and everlasting.

The relationship between us and Him never ceases: it is eternal going beyond the 40 days, the 80 years we may get to live here, into long, long infinite Life.


It’s Wednesday, now 5 days after my last treatment.

And I feel…whole.

Usually I am feeling weak and tired and bleh and meh and umph at this point. But right now it’s different.

Although I still do feel weak in some ways, I’m not depressed or in despair that usually comes around this time.

Although my brain is still shocking me with its short circuits, forgetting names and spellings and tasks, the normal hum that buzzes literally through my forehead is muted. Smell the calming lavendar: clarity of the mind is coming, seems to have arrived much quicker. And because of this, I’ve been reading more.

Reading for class.
Reading the Bible.
Reading for self.

For we do nothing for it [righteousness of faith], and we give nothing for it—we only receive and allow another to work—that is God.

This “passive” righteousness is a mystery that the world cannot understand. Indeed, Christians never completely understand it themselves, and thus do not take advantage of it when they are troubled and tempted. So we have to constantly teach it, repeat it, and work it out in practice. For anyone who does not understand this righteousness or cherish it in the heart and conscience, will continually be buffeted by fears and depression. Nothing gives peace like this passive righteousness.

Martin Luther Preface to Lectures on Galatians

Nothing gives us peace like this passive righteousness.

Peace, peace. The foundation of the relationship, the bridge sure and strong from me to Him.

He tells me: “Freely you have received, freely give.” (matthew 10:8b)

What connection! What a beautiful transaction! And my heart and mind want to make it an equal transation, like paying at the register, but no it is a rushing, overflow of life, peace, righteousness from Him to me that drenches completely like the white Niagra.

I have much to give.
How quickly I forget that, thinking and acting like one day I’ll be empty, that I am empty. But in reality, I have a never-ending account!

Give give give.
Love love love.
Receive receive receive.

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