transparency/vulnerability.

God is comical and is always connecting me the things he wants me to see, the people he wants me to meet, the things he wants me to read:

Transparency is the willingness to share about difficulties one has undergone after the fact. Vulnerability is sharing difficulties raw, in real-time, without the lesson-learned end of the story. I was comfortable with transparency. Mostly. Vulnerability? Not so much.

fromWarrior in Pink by Vivian Mabuni

Vulnerability?
Not so much.
I’m right there with you.

This woman’s wisdom struck me. Wisdom does that. It flickers like lightning, powerful, illuminating the entire sky, a moment of awe because of its beauty, truth and insight. I would have never been able to discern the difference between transparency and vulnerability.

Asssessment: I’d like to think I am “good” at transparency. I’m willing and always have been to talk about my past cancer rounds, my diagnosis, how it happened, what God showed me. Showed. Rewinding to the past.

Fast-forward to the present.
Wisdom strikes.

My spirit had been totally feeling this, this lack of vulnerability and had been trying to communicate it to me. Have you ever had the Holy Spirit just be sad within you? He lies dormant, seemingly life-less. He moans from his heart-home-abode quietly, softly. I can feel it. Baptizing me in overwhelming saddness, unsure of times what is happening and why. God uses my emotions to wake me up to him many times, knowing how much I respond to him as an emotional creature. And now my mind asking my spirit what is wrong and hearing small whisper-answers but still unsure.

Every Friday, my college homechurch prays together. I had missed these meetings the past couple of weeks because of tiredness, fatique but was finally able to come to the most recent. Sitting there in the circle, although prayers were circling me, surrounding me, it seemed like all my thougths short-circuited the prayers.

Why am I here?
I have nothing to pray for.
I am not a part of this group, I’m always gone.

My mouth couldn’t even open up in prayer. Thoughts gluing gums shut, my jaw weighed down, but the spirit moaning and groaning with his prayers in a language I still could not understand nor comprehend.

romans 8

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself
intercedes for us through wordless groans.

Then a thought:
You should talk to your girls, your roommates about your life, what is really going on.
But I’m supposed to be teaching them tonight!
You should talk to your girls, your roommates about your life, what is really going on. 
You should talk to your girls, your roommates about your life, what is really going on. 

That’s all that comes to me. No other thoughts, just that one, a small whisper, repeated. I see it hanging like a branch, reaching, in the corner of my mind, and blowing by the power of wind/Spirit. Finally, the Spirit’s moans are given an interpretation for me, but I don’t want to reach for it, I don’t want to climb these branches of thoughts.

I tried to silence it. Shop down the branch. Stare at the computer screen. Stare at the teaching: Romans, lit on my computer screen. Listen intently to my roommates’ excitement over the study, but I am not and all I hear being prepared in my heart is not this teaching but my thoughts, all these thoughts, vines growing and needing watered: tears now watering and sustaining these thought-branches.

Sigh. So much for Romans.

Vulnerability is sharing difficulties raw, in real-time, without the lesson-learned end of the story.

I didn’t/don’t have the lessons-learned yet. But I want to and fight God for them so then I can share with my friends (transparency) but not now, not in this moment.

I couldn’t look at any one of them in that moment as I cried out my thoughts for the next hour. And no, I didn’t receive any big revelations during or afterwards yet because of it. But I did receive comfort which is what my spirit-soul had been groaning for, little did I know. And for some reason my mind doesn’t think that that is just as important sometimes but just wants all of the answers, the insights, the revelation from the Lord. And yes, He is a God of truth, of answers, of insights, of peace but also of comfort, and mostly it is seen/experienced through His people. How I forget He wants to comfort me! and I often run to other things besides His people, His word, prayer to get it because I don’t believe somewhere that comfort is also His role, His desire for me.

It’s amazing: even though I have so much time, you can still use all of that time to run away instead of talk to Him.
And away from His people too.

So, I am still learning, still fighting myself on how to be vulnerable. With God. With people. And many times its just my thougths that are holding my jaw, literally I can feel it force it closed. So I need the oil for my Tin Man jaw, the oils of prayer for my mouth to open during those raw, real-time moments.

Teach me vulnerability, oh Lord.

One thought on “transparency/vulnerability.

  1. Praise God that Vivian’s book is helping you. I knew through God’s Spirit that this book would bless you and I had to get for you. HAD TOO! That same little whisper to my prayer “what can I do help Jenna Lord?” I was like He said plain as day. Get Jenna Warrior in Pink! I knew His voice and HAD TOO! 🙂 Thank you for being vulnerable, its a beautiful thing and it helps others know how to pray for you~ Love u Jenna

    Like

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