And I’m back in chemo treatment, cycle 2, this week. Which does not feel like it all compared to last week, where I felt completely normal and like myself. Or the week before that, where I was feeling all of the effects. Night and day weeks, complete opposites. Where did the time go?
And here we are: week 4, round 2. On Sunday, I could feel the dread rising and the confusion lifting to my brain. Wait, I’m actually sick? And I have to go back? But I feel so normal, so me. I don’t want to go back to the feelings and everything that were only 2 weeks ago. Oh me, oh my. Where does the time, the healing, go?
As I was feeling dread and confusion rising, encircling, buzzing around me, it dawned on me that how quickly I had forgotten my lessons and understandings and insights from the weeks prior. Oh, how our human hearts are so fickle and fall quickly back into self-focus, even after The Lord has illuminated bright, bright light into our minds. It is then where we see and recognize our faulty thoughts in the midst of Him shining bright white light truth in the center stage of our darkened minds.
He helps me to recall these things:
9 The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
10 “I the Lord search the heart
and examine the mind
Yesterday, after coming home from treatment, I was laying on my couch and trying to gather up energy and strength to read the word. I recalled the power of meditating on the word: sometimes I barely have the energy to even read or pray and it makes me feel so pathetic. But yesterday, barely praying, images come to mind. Does He do that for you? I swear I know that is one of the many ways He responds to me is by these mental images that just come out of no where as I am thinking/praying, like a photograph developing in chemicals, unveiling slowly the truth of the filmic image. Shake, shake lightly in the darkroom of my mind, truth-photo, as chemicals of prayer-thoughts-His thoughts combine and swirl in my mind. Then LIGHT appears:
3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
9 The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. 10 He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him.11 He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. 12 Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— 13 children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God
Bits and pieces of these verses resurface to the mind, bringing light, light to all dark negative spaces of the brain. He is the same and true and consistent light in my life that He was week 1 of the first chemo round, week 2 when I was in the darkest times of recovery, week 3 when I felt more and more like myself and He is the same light now in this week and upcoming weeks, weeks, weeks. How quickly I forget this! And how quickly I am to forget and not recall the moments where I saw the light and strength from him.
I saw in the photo of my mind even the smallest of lights coming and shining in my dark mind, and even then I looked at the light-truth and saw that even the smallest ray overtook and overcame the fact that it was no longer dark
(recall above, john 1:5). Even the smallest moment of truth I meditated on overcame and took away the darkness—even the greatest darkness—and was given the opportunity to grow.Jesus was one man/God who came in the midst of complete and total darkness. So many back then and now saw that 1 man/God out of thousands, millions of humans and were drawn to him—because they saw hope, they saw life, because of this truth: he was God.And I was amazed at how much it was repeated that He is light/life. He, from the beginning, is and has been the giver and creator of life. And this life is the light of all mankind (john 1:3). He is the true light that gives light to everyone (john 1:9) There are no exclusions, no hopes, no dreams, no thoughts that His life/light cannot fulfill for any human. That is wild! That is incredible! And incredibly freeing and hopeful, I hope you see.These are the small bits of lightened truth-image that formed in my mind as I saw and recognized that Jesus was the same before I was sick at 13, that He is the same from 3 weeks ago, that He is the same now. He has not abandoned me even though my heart came to fear (so, so quickly) he might but this light does not dim out, he says. He is from the beginning
until the end
, the Alpha and Omega.
Dark doubts and fears for this upcoming week: you may leave. Let the light shine even brighter on this truth-image, emerging from the darkroom so I can hang it to dry and examine it even more fully in the light. Let this truth-image become more solid. Let me place it in my wallet, take it out, rub my fingers over its tangibility to understand and see more fully.